The Biggest Apology Of My Life [1]

     Yes, I apologize to you and everyone who reads this post.  I screwed up.  I failed the test.  Instead of going with the flow, I now run a course upstream against the current because I couldn't learn my lessons.  I was prompted over and over again to stop smoking and I didn't and more honestly, I couldn't.  I tried laying them down, but repeated failed. However, by the time I did manage to stop, it's now too late.  Something has gotten ahold of me that is quickly taking me down.  My health is failing fast, It hurts to breathe.  My body hurts in places I forgot about.  My cheery outlook has changed to one of depression.  I feel as though the Light that brought ascending miracles has stopped at my feet.  Darkness and the gloom of staying here in the 3D is breaking my heart, especially when I desparately wanted to ascend.  Actually, that's not even the whole truth of it all.  Though I've casted the "fear of the unknown" to the Universe many times, it remains still.  What can one do when the fear stays?  It's a blockage.  It's difficult to move forward. 

     What now?  Am I going to die now before I am able to physically ascend?  Do I have to die in order to ascend?  That's not what I wanted.  I came to see this thing through to the end.  I don't want to stop and stay here with the ones who harm each other.  I wanted a life full of love, light and peace.  I wanted to see the New Earth and her new inhabitants in all their glory. 

     Is this my crossroad?  The questions running in my mind are running deep.  I never thought about dying because actually, I never thought I would.  But now, even though I have a pretty good idea what happens when a person dies, still that "fear" is there, hounding me.  It's still that fear of the unknown, the fear of dying.  And, until one faces it, you can say all you want about not being afraid, yadda, yadda, yadda.

     Will I live to see Dec. 21, 2012?  Will I get a reprieve?  Will I die to ascend?   Will I ascend without dying?  Will I learn my lessons and be healed?  All good questions.  What happens when all of these questions are answered with a "NO"?  That's a place where I don't want my mind to go.  Because if I do, that fear will pop up again.  The unknown darkness of the 3D illusion.  Why can't I just wake up and see my truth?  I know I reside in an illusion.  Why is this so hard for me?  Others are waking up.  Why can't I?

     Being balanced is all that it's cracked up to be, everyone.  I've always been a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  I don't know the reasons why, and this is new territory I'm treading now.  I don't have any great advice on how to overcome fear, desires, habits or addictions.  All I know is that it's important you heed your own body's warning systems.  Because you know what happens when you don't?  You begin to realize that you walk backwards down a dark path within an illusion.  You can't see where you're going and never know what to expect.  That light at the end of the tunnel is gone, from our viewpoint.  Now, that's scarey!

     For now, I still want to apologize to all of you who I let down.  All of you who have not ascended yet.  I was weak and didn't try hard enough to overcome my fears.  Even though I forgive myself, I'm still disappointed.  So, please forgive me for not doing my job.  I let down Humanity and Gaia, and I will pay for my mistakes.  As far as I'm concerned, I deserve all I receive.

May you all live in Love and Peace.

d'tewa