Dissolving Into Fluidity
These days between eclipses are so new, so challenging, so exhausting, so wired, so weird. I heard someone use the expression: tired/wired. I get it. It is 3 a.m. and I am still awake. I am grateful I do not have to work or I would be adding anxious to the mix.
Everything is dissolving. Our old stories of who we were, our ideas about how anything works, our thoughts about what is reality and what is illusion……all flowing down the drain. Dreams leaving me with a bittersweet feeling as I say goodbye to what might have been. My body is having the most difficult time. She senses death, decay, dissolution. Indeed, I feel as if all of my organs and tissues have turned to liquid mush inside of me. My brain is spongy, soggy, heavy. Everything is flowing towards the earth, wanting to lie with her, decompose into her, fertilize her for the next cycle of growth.
I offer her comfort, chocolate chip cookies and milk, as I would a child. I am the child. Cookies thrown on the floor, foot stamped; No! There is no comfort to be found in food. I lie in bed and feel electrical pulses buzz in my left hip, then my neck. Finally the all body vibration that I have come to enjoy. At other times, the intense feeling that comes in is so uncomfortable that it does not feel possible to remain in this body for one more moment. Take me, I plead. Yet here I am.
All this has been going on for years. My body is not impressed. She is tired beyond belief. She is no longer interested in a bedtime story of ascension. She does not want to hear that she is becoming crystalline. Our light body feels like an imaginary friend that she has out grown. She has heard the tales over and over and now demands a new story.
The waves toss out the old, there is no making sense of it, just let it go. Debris to be dissolved into something new.
What can I tell her? I stand at a nexus point, dying and being enlivened all at once. The crone and the babe inhabiting the same space. Of course it feels weird and woolly. We have not done this before. By all rights, I should be dropping this body to the earth, which she very well knows. She is attempting to follow the script that we have enacted in myriad lifetimes. This is a new script, a role she has not played. There was no rehearsal, all happening live on this stage of life in 2014.
I stood on the beach today watching the waves pound the shore, relentless in their march. I felt their fluidness in my cells. Our bodies asked to hold the form while the energy flows in and out, over and over. I feel eroded by the energy, ground down to a husk. Then the sun broke through the clouds, and I knew moments of grace, transcendence where all felt light.
I know myself as the chalice, offering my heart as a container into which the liquidlovelight can pour itself; the body, the vehicle that anchors it all into the earth. We are being asked to bring heaven to earth through our bodies. The knowing is deep as to the privilege I have been given to have a physical vessel of the earth. It is what allows the Creator’s essence to seed itself deeply into our mother’s body. I do so want to witness our Mother Earth blossom from these seeds of love. All held, the desire for death, the desire for life. Two becoming one. Oneness.
We are walking through the dissolving imprints of duality. Everything has a fuzzy quality as it shimmers and fades. Time is unhooking its grip, speeding up till it is no longer considered at all. Decision making is no longer easy as we are asked to choose from a palette of whites. How can I pick one when all look just about the same? Neutrality is the new game. Good and bad have had their day. How do we navigate this new landscape, that is shimmering into view? If you look straight at it, it disappears. You cannot fix it to a point, it is fluid and changeable. There is no catching it, holding it. All we can do is BE it. Allow the energy to flow through.
Today at the beach, tears flowed. I no longer look for cause. My mind has given up as it is no longer important to understand, there is only feeling it fully as it moves through. It flows in, flows out. I watched the waves crash against a large rock jutting out of the water. The waves approached in their steady way, only to hit an immoveable surface, which sent them leaping into a thousand sparkling fragments. We create our own rocks to smash against when we hold some thought or emotion as fixed. We shatter our hearts over and over on our journey, splintered fragments flying as our souls wrestle us from known forms. We love to put equal signs between things, to firmly place our period as if to nail it all down.
As I watch the water drops fall back to the ocean’s surface, rejoining the processional waves’ motion towards the shore, I feel a way being shown. Once the waves meet the shore, there is no ending, rather they are swept back out into the ocean’s embrace. No beginning and no end. We thought it was all about reaching the shore, achieving a goal. But no, it is about being part of the dance, flowing in the ocean of the Creator’s love. Being the light. Bringing the light. Claiming our essence as liquidlovelight.
4 a.m. and a candle flame flickering in the dark. I, too, am the flame. Being with this moment, breathing in the fresh air flowing through the window. I know nothing. I AM this flame, this breath, this love. And you are too. God bless us all. Children of the Sun, of the Moon and the Stars. We are creating our own welcome home.