My awakening/Opening up, 22 page letter, after a recent toxic relationship!

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"A Perfect Ending to A New Beginning"                      

By: Brady Holland


(My Apology/Thank You/Letting Go, Letter to an Indescribably Rare, Beautiful Young Woman)


"Keep in mind this letter was written in less than a week, it was then about one week later that I had even decided to start writing The Life of our Idea, but it is the entire foundation for Our Trilogy: Time and apparently all of my missing answers that I didn't even know I was looking for.. Igniting something within myself that I had been trying my hardest to suppress deep down inside of me for many years now, all thanks to one very special person, in which our lives just so unexpectedly happened to cross one another's path.. Unfortunately those paths couldn't meet up, walking down the same road together, but what came about afterwards as an ending/beginning result, well let’s just say I literally owe that young woman the world now! Here is my gift to our readers, how we turned something so horrible brewing inside of me, into something so unexpectedly beautiful.. You deserve to know some of your author's past." -B.R.H  


     Let me just start off by saying that I can't apologize to you enough, for any and all of my inexcusable behavior and actions towards you, from day one clear up to this point now, that I am writing you this letter.. I don't know if it's even physically possible for you to understand just how extremely sorry I am for the way I treated you, acted towards you, things I would say to you, and how I completely took you for granted! I'm sorry for any and all of the inexcusably awful, untrue, hurtful things I have ever said, and just my overall horribly insane behavior towards you and the baby dog. I literally have not one idea as to what on earth could have possibly made me think that ANY of my actions were anywhere close to being alright, justifiable, or acceptable during the time it was taking place! I look back on everything now and it absolutely kills me inside, shreds me from the inside out, and instantly makes me start bawling.. Makes me absolutely sick to think about. I can now see that's exactly what I kept doing to you several times over and just how traumatizing it was for you and I am absolutely more than disgusted with myself because of it! I wouldn't even dream about doing anything anywhere close to that now not in a million years, I don't even understand how I possibly could then, like seriously what was wrong with me? Words cannot begin to describe just how messed up I was being towards you, the ways I would constantly treat you, and the things I would constantly say to you! I couldn't apologize for my behavior towards you enough times even if I told you I were sorry for every second of every day for the rest of my life.. And that's no lie. I am sorry that I pushed you so far into sinking to my low level and turning you into something that you never wanted to be! I am sorry for all the times that I manipulated you and took advantage of you. I am sorry for all of the physical and mental abuse towards you.. I am sorry for all of my one sided, selfish, behaviors. I am sorry for the countless times I betrayed your trust, I am sorry for all of the pain, suffering, and tears! I apologize for any and all damages I have caused you and your family along the way and any emotional scars that I have left you with. I am sorry that you had to be the victim, of me learning my own, very hard life lessons.. I apologize for everything! If I could take any of that back or repair any of those damages I would in a heartbeat but I can't and that's the part that just kills me inside.




     Please know that it had everything to do with me and absolutely nothing to do with you! Just know it was never my heart that was driving those horribly insane actions towards you or the baby dog. It was never my heart that any of those dark, toxic, hurtful lies, my mouth would always spew, were coming from. I am also sorry if this letter was inappropriate. I just felt like it was the right thing to do and that you deserve to know the real truth on how I feel about everything, now that I personally, can finally understand what that truth is.. How I felt about everything that has happened for your own benefit, closure, and peace of mind. That I will learn from all of this and that I haven't been taking any of it lightly! It's also kind of a last ditch effort to do something positive for you, even though most of it is just pointing out what you did for me and what I should have done for you, and what you already knew while I was too busy being so self-absorbed to realize.. So I don't know how much good it really does to you anyways. Haha


     Although my actions and words have almost always said otherwise, I really did and still do, love, care, and appreciate you very much! It is definitely going to be tough to forgive myself for wasting the several opportunities I was given to show you that.. Do you think I enjoyed treating you that way, or liked saying those things to you, or liked that I was being that person to you all the time, or am happy with myself about any of it at all? Sure it might have seemed like it at the time while everything was taking place but that was just my brain trying to justify my horrible behavior when deep down I knew that I was wrong! I would constantly try to stop, but no matter what I tried doing I couldn't, I didn't know how to.. It was seriously like a disease and I am absolutely heartbroken and sick with myself because of it. I can't say sorry enough that you had to suffer from all of it, but honestly if it hadn't reached such the severe point that it did, it couldn't have been possible for me to truly start correcting any of it! I don't even want to think about how far it could have gone or how bad it could have gotten, had I put off dating any longer, and kept all of my feelings blocked out for any longer.. I am also sorry if you don't want to hear this, but I honestly feel in my heart, that you had every bit of potential to be that person people can go their whole lives searching for hoping to find, only to meet in their dreams! The hardest thing about all of this is going to be getting over the regret of throwing away my chance at true love. The one that got away.. I will be kicking myself in the ass for a while over the fact that I just used, abused, and wasted something so rare and beautiful with so much potential, all for just a learning experience! Pretty much the story of my life though, wasted potential.. Haha But this was just my first time, my first relationship, my first chance, there will be others, and now that I finally have my own personal experience to relate with hopefully I won’t blow those future chances.. And I have you, to forever thank for that, along with many other things! :)


     Even though I might feel absolutely crushed right now about everything I did, everything that has happened between us, and that things have to end the way they do, this has been the long overdue "punch in the face" that I have deserved and needed for many years now and I want to thank you very much for that! I have had to do a lot of soul searching to find myself again after this bumpy roller coaster ride through hell that I took us on, as I'm sure you did also, and I honestly don't see how you can even say that you forgive me after everything that took place between us.. Probably just trying to make me feel better or something. Haha But it's weird, because you'd think that your forgiveness would make me feel better, but at the moment it's the complete opposite because it doesn't feel like I deserve it at all.. But if you are able to forgive me than that means I have to be able to forgive myself! Which I greatly appreciate by the way, it would have been nearly impossible for either one of us to let everything go, move forwards, and get the closure that we both desperately needed, had you not.. I really thank you for that and you need to thank yourself as well!


     I wish you would have gotten the chance to write me a letter. At least that way I would still have some physical piece left of you. Although we can no longer be in each other’s lives physically we will always be mentally and in spirit. It would have been a really nice thing to have had something I could turn to during times of need or comfort.. But mainly just to use as a reminder for myself! Haha If it's not too much to ask for it would still be a nice thing to have and would help a lot. It would be nice to finally understand your side of the story and know how you are feeling after all of this now that I am able to fully listen.. Whether it could hurt my feelings or not, as long as it’s the truth, that's all that matters and I need to hear it! :) If it is too much to ask then please, don't worry about it at all, I completely understand. Besides you have already done way more than you should have ever had to do for me in the first place, more than any person should have to endure, above and beyond from day one, more than I could have ever expected and I really appreciate you for that!


     The best answers I have been able to come up with that help explain to myself, my horribly insane behavior, and to help myself understand what was going on inside of me during everything that was taking place is this; As humans our brains naturally want to maintain constant control, it's a defense mechanism.. (Every single one of us are natural born "control freaks" just some more than others) Our brain wants to do everything it can to protect any pre-existing ideas, opinions or feelings, and keep up those walls that we build over time, whether we are able to realize it while it's happening or not.. The human brain does not like being told that it is wrong or has ever been wrong! When faced with any type of conflict or idea what so ever, no matter how big or small, even something that would normally seem completely meaningless, if it goes against anything you already think to be true, our brain will automatically start going into self-defense mode.. Most of the time without us even getting the chance to realize it and by then it is too late, the walls are already starting to go up! It's that whole "fight or flight" thing that all animals and humans are born with, to protect ourselves.. All of these ideas and feelings take place so quickly, because they are based off reactions, that unless we've had any kind of our own personal, previous experience at all to relate those emotions or ideas to, it is going to be physically impossible for us to understand or control them, while they are taking place in that very moment.. The only reason we as humans have the ability to not feed into all of these natural impulses is through self-awareness! The more self-aware we are and the more we stay focused on thinking outside of ourselves, outside of our current situations, and always view as many sides and aspects as possible to those situations.. Means the more carefree and understanding we can become, the less of a "control freak" we are, the less conflicts we have in life, the easier we will be able to just let things go in life, learn from it, grow from it, and just move on! :)     


     These are all real facts and they have helped me to understand where all of that conflict and anger came from and what created that monster inside of me so I can destroy him! Just wish I had realized all of these things a lot sooner in life, would have made things a whole lot easier on myself.. Haha Remember all of this for yourself as well and learn to recognize when it is happening to you because it's really unhealthy for us as humans to feed into that natural self-defense mode and start blocking things out, you know that! Be more self-aware when it starts to happen, realize that's what is taking place, tell your brain to just knock it off, shut up, and not stress it! :) It will make every conflict in life, no matter how big or small it may seem, so much easier on ourselves in the long run.. If we just face our problems right away, not push them aside or "forget" about them, the easier it makes it for us to let go of everything with a peace of mind! All of this also comes along with part of growing up! I'm speaking for everyone when I say this but.. We should both have plenty of our own examples by now that it is just delaying the inevitable when we block things out, that the longer we wait to resolve or face them or tell people about them, just makes it that much harder on ourselves and those around us in the meantime.. From here on out we both need to start facing ALL of our conflicts in life, no matter how big or small they may seem, as soon as they come up, and not slip into our old ways! Stop keeping them quiet or to ourselves, blocking everything out, and just "forgetting" about it.. It is so unhealthy, not only for ourselves, but the people that have to live with us as well. Haha We also need to learn to keep a more open mind, not be afraid of opposing ideas, and not to worry or stress things that are completely out of our control! There is a huge difference between just putting our problems aside and forgetting about them.. And facing our problems, letting go, and moving forwards! Remember that.. Use all of those facts, my examples, our examples, and your own previous examples throughout life for your own future situations to come! :) 


     I personally already have a very hard time expressing my feelings, as we all now know, I always have and I was born a male.. I've been screwed from the start! Haha (We were always wondering how someone could WRITE something so beautiful yet turn around and SAY something so disgusting?) That right there is why and I need to admit that to myself and change it! Just be lucky you were born a female, you have the advantage, use it! Haha I never realized until just now that all of my actions towards you and everything my mouth would always spew, was always the exact opposite of what I really felt or thought about you, deep down inside of my heart, during that very moment.. If at any time I ever said that I "hated you," what I really meant was I love you! Whenever I was calling you a "stupid bitch" I really meant that you were too good for me and I didn't deserve you! Whenever I pushed you down physically, what I really wanted to be doing was holding you as tightly as I could, and never let you go! Because deep down I knew my behavior was wrong I just couldn't stop it and held way too much undeserved pride..


     Anyways, since I had suppressed all of my feelings and emotions for so long and just blocked everything out completely, I was constantly fighting a major war going on inside of me between my heart and my brain, about my entire past, present, and future all at once.. We were always asking ourselves why we couldn't just have "One Brady" and why we would constantly fight over nothing? That question was impossible for me to answer at the time but it seems pretty obvious now.. From the very first day our lives crossed paths, clear up until now, you have always been able to prove to me just how wrong I have been, about so many things throughout my entire life.. I have always said that I wanted to find someone that was able to prove me wrong but that sure did come back to bite me! I definitely wasn't prepared to be proven so wrong, about so many things, so quickly! haha All of a sudden I was being opened up to a whole new world of ideas and feelings while at that very same time all of my pre-existing feelings and ideas were starting to be challenged! Everywhere I turned I was constantly being proven wrong about something. Which ended up being for the best in the end though I wouldn't have known that at the time.. All of these walls I had spent 10 years building up were quickly starting to get torn down and it was a constant conflict inside of me between my head and my heart on whether or not I should let you break those walls down and accept you completely into my heart or should I try to make those walls stronger in my head and push you away? Well we all know the answer to that question by where we stand right now.. Haha The question inside of me that was causing so much unintentional conflict and damage from day one! That was impossible to have an answer for until our relationship was over, until we could completely separate from each other, ourselves, and the situation.. After 10 years of building up those walls and blocking out my emotions, my brain was literally doing everything it could, to not let you change my mind about any of those new ideas and feelings I was experiencing, but it was a losing battle from the start!*Like we said, you were my mirror, I was just fighting with myself and that conflict going on inside of me the whole time and taking it out on you constantly* It all comes down to "fight or flight" and rather than allowing myself to get hurt, backing down, accepting these new feelings and ideas for what they were, good and bad.. (flight) I would try to keep up those walls, getting extremely angry instead, because it was all completely new to me, and I held way too much pride for my own good.. (fight). All anger comes from a lack of greater understanding! I now know that it is alright to get hurt and put ourselves out there, it's way better than the alternative, besides it's part of being human, and growing up.. :)  


  *On a side note: If you wanted to take all of this one step further, we all need to start realizing, that we as humans, every single one of us in the world, are all one another's mirror!!! We all live on the same planet, we are all facing life and its many challenges together, we all feel the same emotions at one point in our lives, we all come from and end up in the same place, and just fully understand that we are all in this world, together! :) Every single one of us on earth need to stop making an already challenging life, so hard on one another, whether we realize we are doing it or not! Stop fighting with ourselves and taking it out on everyone else around us, stop closing ourselves off to the world and everyone in it, stop holding everyone else, and ourselves back at the same time! Have we not all realized by now that we are the only one's that keep holding ourselves back as a human race? Nothing else! Everyone needs to be fully self aware of this if we want to advance in life as a species! Realize we are all fighting the same kind of war and facing the same kind of challenges at some point in one another's life and stop being afraid to open up to one another so we can advance as a human race and make living in this world easier for all of us and those to come! Fully understand and realize that we are all in this together, let go of the past to make the changes that we all desperately need, better our present and everyone's future in this precious world that we are all so lucky to inhabit! Why can't everyone just realize that if we help one another first it will only help ourselves in the end?*


     The reason everything was so extreme in my case and why I physically couldn't manage all of these new and old contradicting thoughts and feelings hitting me in the face all at once no matter what I tried doing was because I had suppressed them for so long! Let’s face it, "normal people" don't wait until they are 23 to have their first girlfriend.. haha I physically couldn't have known how to handle all of these emotions flying towards me at once, it was impossible, because I had never dealt with them, felt anything like them, or felt anything even close to them before.. Never even tried, I always just avoided them completely, and blocked them out for 10 years! I physically couldn't put a stop to my insane behavior and anger because I didn't understand where it was coming from or what was even causing any of in the first place! I couldn't have even began to know what to do about any of it because I never had any of my own personal experiences to relate with. I was literally driving myself insane because of everything going on.. There were way too many emotions and ideas, past, present, and future, that I was having to try and sort through, hitting me all at once, and I couldn't have even possibly been close to prepared for any of it! It was always just my own constant struggle being taken out on you and I am extremely sorry that you had to suffer because of it!!! My brain was basically just trying to protect itself the whole time while my heart was trying to tell it to let go.. Protect myself from what exactly I will never understand, because it would have been a whole lot easier on everyone if I had just embraced all of those ideas and feelings, embraced you for all of your imperfectly perfect beautiful nature's within their entirety, in the first place! Just wish I would have known everything a lot sooner it would have prevented so much unnecessary insane nonsense.. Who knows we might even still be together but because I was always so focused on me, me, me, and what I was going through with all of these new thoughts and emotions, I never fully stopped to think about you and consider your side of things or realize exactly what I was putting you through in the process.. But that's all woulda, coulda, shoulda now, and I desperately needed to learn anyways, for my own health and well-being, as well as the people around me and any future people to come!  


     Obviously none of this excuses me from any of my behavior towards you one bit! I just needed to try and find some shred of peace, sanity, and understanding out of something so awful and insane, for my own health and well-being! I really did scare myself, and I know I scared you, and now your family is frightened for you as well.. I'm so sorry I became that monster to you and everyone else and I really do wish I could take it all back but I cant.. I took that battle going on inside of myself to a whole other level! Taking it out on you in so many inexcusably awful ways, physically and mentally, and I am so sorry for that! There is no excuse! Even though you said that you can forgive me and I think that I can come up with some explanation for all of my behavior, I was nothing but selfish with you from day one and there is still no excuse for any of it! None of it was right at all, not even close! Just please understand that it was honestly never intentional..


      I had never realized just how much color you have brought into my world, until you were no longer in it, and everything turned so dark and gray.. Like that "stupid" old saying goes, you don't know what you've got till it’s gone.. Only it is true! I had been experiencing a whole new set of emotions that I have never felt before since you moved away.. I was ashamed of feeling good, like it was wrong to feel happy about anything in general, because of my horrible actions. I was ashamed to feel good about myself, like I didn't deserve it.. I was scared to go out in public because I was so shattered, I never knew when the smallest thing was going to trigger a mental breakdown, and I would just start bawling on the spot.. I was afraid to go out and have any fun, walking through life feeling so numb and empty about anything and everything I was doing, like every breath I took seemed completely meaningless without you in my life anymore to share those breath's with.. I was afraid of risking the possibility that I might experience something new in life because I would no longer have you there by my side to experience the moment with or even talk about it with anymore! Scared to fully let you and everything else go because I didn't want to risk the possibility of forgetting about you in the process.. I was also afraid of myself after all of this! Hearing all of that now sounds a little silly.. But I've never done any of this before, never gone through a break up before, I had no idea what could possibly conspire during or afterward, not even close! haha I now see it was very immature of me to think otherwise before.. I'm not trying to make you feel sorry for me or anything like that so please don't!!! I had just never felt or dealt, with anything like this before and the more I keep getting it out in the open, the easier it makes everything! I have also been talking with my family and as many people as possible that will listen, telling them every single detail about how much of a monster I have been with you and how rough it has been on me, let alone you, trying to deal with everything since.. I need to get it out in the open, not hide from it any longer, start correcting my behavior, and move forwards!*Guess this letter is just as much for myself to use as a reminder.. Haha* Just writing it I am already starting to feel some weight being lifted and I hope that it can help you as well. :)


 *We as humans are naturally forgetful creatures, coupled with the many everyday challenges and new excitements or adventures being thrown our way, makes it difficult for us to always see things clearly! Even if it's something we already knew in the first place, we sometimes forget through all of the confusion, and it's nice to have it in writing to remind us of all this!*   


      I know it wouldn't be healthy for me at all and completely wrong to walk throughout life, holding myself back, that with time and the more I keep opening up about everything these feelings will eventually pass.. Every day I wake up everything gets that much easier and I guess that's kind of the whole point at working towards something new, moving forwards, and letting go right!? haha I think one of the hardest things for me to get over about all of this is just the fact that we have to put this amount of rules and restrictions between us now.. Because let's be honest here, we both know that nothing about us from the start has ever been orthodox! There has never really been any "standard," any "normal guidelines," or "set of rules" when it came to you and I.. Zero boundaries and an insane amount of comfort. So to go from that to this is going to be a tough transition! haha But if either one of us ever loved or cared about one another even half as much as we said we did, thought we did, or felt we did, we would do the right thing and let each other go! :) I have to admit, it will be a little more difficult now for me to better my current situation and quality of life without using you as a "goal" or excuse anymore.. But that isn't right in the first place and after so many poor "attempts" in life that I have failed, enough is enough, I am finally ready to start doing things the right way! Face life and responsibility and stop running and hiding from it! It's time I finally man up anyways and better myself as a person and better my situation, it's been way too long! Promise me that you won’t put it off and wait years like I have!!! Please learn from my mistakes and use them for your own benefit as an example in your future! A bad example is better than no example at all! :) haha


      I will always remember those amazing times we had once shared even though they were few and far between.. I hope that with time you can start to remember them as well after all of the bad times finally start to die down! I won't block out any of the bad times either so I can learn from them and use them as a reminder of what I will never do again! I really hope this isn't too much to ask of you, but please don't ever forget about me.. Don't get me wrong let go and move forwards like you need to and deserve to! I know we both need to move forwards for ourselves, without each other, it is the best thing for us as individuals.. Just please don't ever forget about me because I for damn sure won't ever forget about you!!! You have been such a huge role model to me and a huge positive impact on my life and will leave a lifelong lasting impression! You have taught me so many great things about myself and about life in general! Aside from all of my own horribly negative examples, that were all used at your own expense, and me learning about what not to do.. But from many positive experiences as well. I have learned so many useful things from you to use in everyday life and to help improve my day-to-day quality of living! You have taught me so much just from leading by example and always standing up to be the bigger person! Most importantly, you helped open me up to whole new ways of thinking, new ideas, new ideals, and many new ways of viewing life! You helped show me what true love actually is! You helped open me up as a person and brought light into my dark gloomy world! :)


     You need to recognize everything that you have done for me and have shown me during this whole process for your own benefit! Realize how much you have grown throughout all of this from always being forced to be the bigger person! Please use all of your own examples of how you handled yourself during everything that has happened between us to gain the self-esteem, confidence, and strength that you deserve to have, if you haven't started to already.. Realize just how much you have grown all on your own, the only thing I did to help was try and drown you with your past, unintentionally making you "sink or swim." On a side note, let me just say right now I am so very thankful and proud that you did swim! You have shown major signs of maturity from beginning to end while all I could do was act so childish about everything! You did absolutely nothing wrong or anything that I wasn't literally BEGGING you for or anything that I didn't have coming to me.. For many years now! haha :)


     I have your family to apologize to and to thank for also! We were pretty much living together throughout this whole experience, from day one, up until the end.. They were a part of all this too! I apologize to your family for having to be a part of what I put you through and any damages I may have caused them! I need to thank not only everything your mother and step father did for me and gave me but I need to thank the rest of your family as well! Not only did I learn from your parents, from being around them, and the stories you guys would share, but the rest of your family as well, whether I met them personally or just through the stories, and things you all would tell me about their personalities and life experiences! They were all a part of this whole learning experience and I apologize to them and appreciate everything they have done for me very much! :)


      Thank you so much, I will never be able to appreciate you enough, for the rest of my life, for everything that you have done for me and shown me along the way! I just so badly wish that I could have helped return that favor to you.. Because even though right now it might feel like I have lost more than I have gained, I know at the end of the day I am the one who got most of the benefits out of this relationship.. I might be suffering from it now, but you had to suffer from it WAY more severely, for WAY longer than I am currently, and unfortunately more than I will probably ever have to.. That isn't right or fair at all! Then again from day one, nothing about me, when it came down to you, was ever right or fair and that's part of why we are here in the first place! You could never know just how sorry I am for all of the suffering I have caused you! More than likely you are still suffering from some of it just like I am.. I just feel so guilty about the fact that you didn't get to really gain anything from our relationship, or gain anything from me, not like I did from you! I didn't leave that positive impact on your life, not like the one you left on mine, and I am so sorry for that! I wish I could be given one final chance to make it up to you someway, somehow, someday, if it's something one could even possibly make up to another in the first place.. And leave you with that positive impression!       


     Unfortunately we can’t change the past, only work towards changing the future.. For whatever it is worth, if there were anything in the universe that I could do to return the favor to you, I would do it in a heartbeat! You have done so much for me, more than I think you realize, more than I had ever realized, and I'm probably not done realizing all of it either.. And I appreciate everything very much!!! :) I know that there are only a few things I can and will do, at making some very tiny steps towards returning the favor to you and those are; I walk away from everything learning from my mistakes, better myself as a person, better my own life, and make sure nothing like that behavior, or anything possibly close to it, ever happens again and that I will never treat anyone like that ever again, and never make those same mistakes ever again! For my own sake as well of course.. It's too bad that we can no longer be friends, because now that I finally have more of a grasp on my emotions, I could have actually shown you all of these cool "tips and tricks" that could help you gain an edge throughout this whole growing up process, instead of using that knowledge against you the whole time like I had been doing.. *I Could have been sharing that insight with you on what I have already gone through and have experienced in life, during those 4 years of age that I have on you, to help push you to excel towards your future! Not to push you down, physically and metaphorically speaking!* Again that whole woulda, coulda, shoulda thing! haha I'm so sorry that I was too busy being so self-absorbed the whole time to realize that all I ever really did from the start was try and drown you with your past, to avoid focusing on myself, and that war going on inside of me..            


*That right there explains any sibling rivalries, our parents, families, friends, and anyone else we meet in life, that are trying to teach us a lesson through negative reinforcement! (why do you think all siblings and young animals fight so much at a younger age? Not just from a lack of greater understanding, but it’s how we learn, and how we grow towards that understanding) Anyways.. They have already experienced that many more years worth of life lessons to gain that knowledge from or just experienced certain things before the others around them.. Whether we realize it or not that's only what they have been trying to do the whole time was teach us to grow! Even though it is called negative reinforcement, it has a positive outcome in the end, and as young people it takes us time experiencing life before we can even understand that! We then need to make it our job's to pass that information on to the next generation to help their growing up process as well! :) It's when people use that experience and knowledge against us both mentally and physically to manipulate us, abuse us, and take advantage of us people that don't know any better yet, only because we haven't had the chance to learn any better yet, which isn't our faults.. For their own cruel intentions and selfish gains without offering anything positive in return what so ever is when it becomes a major issue because it is completely wrong by all means and 100% messed up and only hurting themselves in the long run! We need to recognize the difference for ourselves as people, thank those we need to thank, forgive ourselves and themselves for those who are clearly beneath us*


     I would be lying to myself if I ever said that I won't miss you for a very, very long time! When you left (I threw you away) you stole a very big part of me that is going to be very hard to get back! I can't deny or hide from it, I miss and love you so much, more than I could have ever expected, and more than you could ever now know, because I never took the opportunity to show you just how much you meant to me while I still had the chance.. I was always too caught up in myself! I'm not sure if you even know what that regret feels like, the regret that I literally have no more chances to prove my feelings towards you and everyone else otherwise, and even if I do we still can't be together ever again.. The chance to show you and your family I am really not that monster I turned into, show you that it had nothing to do with each other or our relationship, other than you being a mirror! A mirror to an enormous amount of ideas and feelings hitting me all at once.. Whether they were old/new ideas and bad/good feelings, I was not ready to let go or accept any of them, or physically know how to in the first place!            


     I would give up anything in the world just to be privileged enough for one last final chance from you now that I have a grasp on my emotions, more of an idea of what I am actually doing, and where I could finally see myself at in life with you.. A chance to see that gorgeous face, becoming lost in those amazingly beautiful blue eyes, gazing at that warm inviting smile, if only to be so lucky that those sweet soft lips creating that wonderful smile were to be pursed against mine, hearing that gentle calming voice making its way through my ears deep into my soul, our bodies perfectly wrapped in each other’s arms, our heart's melting, holding each other tightly until we feel the entire universe around us starting to melt away, never letting go until it has completely vanished and all we are left with is each other, standing there in perfect ecstasy.. But unfortunately I have already wasted all of those many chances that you were already willing to give me and it wouldn't be right for you at all to give me anymore anyways!


      That insanely strong connection and instant spark that we felt in each other was real whether you want to admit it or not.. I waited until I was 23 years old before even attempting to put myself out there like this for the first time! I walked into my very first relationship ever with the connection between us being that strong and honestly rare! I have never found any kind of connection like the one we shared, out of all the people I have encountered throughout my entire life, man or woman.. So here I am, feeling the strongest connection, both physically and mentally that I have ever felt in my life, I'm in a relationship for my first time ever, I get handed something so rare, and was expected to automatically know what to do with it or know how to handle it, both physically and mentally without any previous experience what so ever.. Not even anything close that I could relate it to! Even if I thought I knew what I was doing I was not prepared at all, not even close, and clearly had no idea what was going on! I now see how immature it was for me at that time to think otherwise.. I literally couldn't have realized anything that was going on with myself or between us or just exactly what it was that I was given until I no longer had it.. I couldn't fully understand or appreciate how rare what we found was, what we had together, and everything that I was actually throwing away! From day one it was physically impossible for me to understand what was going on inside of myself or be able to fully appreciate what it was exactly that I had been given, until it was already gone.. And that's what really sucks about things having to work out the way they do sometimes! You are lucky enough to have gone through break ups and relationships before.. You were able to realize exactly what it was we had, and could have had, while you still had it! While I was too busy being so oblivious, caught up in myself from the start, and had to wait until it was already too late to realize it!


      What's going to be so hard to get over is that really none of this was either one of our faults as to why things have to end this way and why everything happened the way it did between us, other than the fact that it still happened! I still messed up big time through my actions and am not excusing myself for that behavior.. Half of the time I knew what I was doing was wrong, my emotions would just get the best of me and I couldn't stop, the other half I didn't even realize what was taking place until after the fact.. We have both been realizing all of these things about ourselves and our own lives, what happened between us and why it happened that way, how to recognize the signs and prevent/correct the conflict, and want to truly better ourselves as individuals! We now know that the only way physically possible for us to have made any breakthroughs towards a better relationship, finally becoming the people that we wanted/needed to be for one another, was only possible through breaking up.. We are both showing signs of finally wanting to make some serious changes in our lives, learning and growing from this experience, to better ourselves as people and to better our current place in life..          


     So I can’t help but ask myself the questions; What is still stopping us from trying again and starting our new lives together if we are both finally on the same page about an all-around improvement on ourselves and our lives? If we now have a greater understanding of everything that went on between us and can know how to correct/prevent it from happening again, and can finally allow ourselves to push/be pushed by one another to make those changes in ourselves and our lives, then why can't we make them together, only the right way this time? Fully help ourselves and each other at the same time with extra support in moving towards a better future? Use each other, only the healthy way this time? Haha If we say we can forgive each other for everything (even though there is nothing to forgive you for only to thank you for) and are both finally ready to let go of it all and make some serious changes in ourselves and our lives, then why can't we start over with a clean slate someday after a few of those changes become reality? Not even take it as far as dating, but at least finally be mature enough to be the best possible friends either one of us could have been and should have been from the start, like we previously mentioned? Not even that far and just be casual "texting friends?" haha Don't worry, all of these questions are rhetorical.. Even though I don't fully understand what it is exactly that's still keeping us apart, but that's the part I have to just let go of, and move on.. I definitely have a few pretty good ideas as to why things have to be this way! Haha Besides I am getting everything that I have been unintentionally asking for the whole time, I caused this mess, now I have to pay for my actions! It still just really sucks that it physically had to take me not knowing what I had until it was gone to understand or be able to fix any of it, or fully appreciate you and just how special/rare that connection and spark we shared was!


      I just still can't believe that I threw it all away for this.. But like I said earlier, had we not reached this point, I wouldn't have even known what it was exactly that I was throwing away! Wish I could have known all of this while we were still together so I could have fully embraced you, embraced us, and accepted you into my heart completely! We were able to fall in love with one another for the people that we already were! Now we are both going to become even better people after all of this.. Of course I am going to always love you, how could I not??? That's how I know for a fact that what we had was really true love though! I can feel it not only in my heart but throughout every single ounce of my body! I have never been so certain or passionate about anything in my life, or felt this strongly about anything/anyone else ever before, until I met you!!! :)        


     There are already so many things that I have been doing differently just in the one month's time that you have been gone.. Not only improvements for myself, current situation, and the people around me, but so many things that could have helped us out during our relationship as well.. And it's already too late to go back and that's another thing that really sucks! Oh well.. we live, we learn, and we grow! :) I will just keep improving myself for myself, those around me, and those to come! haha Of course now that everything has to come down to an absolute end between us is when I would realize that I could easily see myself being with you for something more serious and long term, like you had once felt yourself, at least for a few years.. haha Unfortunately now it doesn't even feel like that 9 months counted for anything because of how much of a learning experience it had to turn into and how much I took everything for granted! We can't even really call it a "relationship" because of how one sided and self-absorbed I was being the whole time!           


     That's all in the past now and just woulda, coulda, shoulda, "wishful thinking," and I can't change any of it so I just have to let go of all of it, move forwards, learn and grow from it, better my life, always keep an eye on my future, and forgive myself for the past! It still isn't going to be easy for me but it shouldn't be, I didn't make anything easy on you for however many months, so why should I deserve anything less? haha Besides the more I suffer just shows how much I really did care, that I am human after all, not that monster I turned myself into, and I really am willing to change! Although it was unintentional, I am the one that caused this mess and pain for everyone, I am the one that has to pay for my actions, make the changes, I am the one that has to man up and take responsibility! I know that I need to let everything go completely and just let everything sort itself out with time! :)


     Please do not get any of the wrong ideas about this letter at all.. What started out to be just a few page apology/thank you, a closure letter to show you and myself that I am ready for change, ready to let go and start moving forwards, ended up turning into my confessional, a motivational speech we all can learn from, and a short life story.. Haha But I'm glad it did because it forced me to take a trip down memory lane! Not just about us and our relationship but my entire life as well! Writing this letter has helped in giving me the chance to view my entire life with clarity, without placing blame on myself, anyone else, and anything else in life.. It helped allow me to forgive myself, everyone else, and just forgive life in general! I am now able to see my entire past, present, and future in a whole new light and understanding because I stopped placing blame, trying to find an answer for everything or how to "fix" it, and finally let everything go!            


     None of us can change the past no matter how much we might want to or try to, it is one of the rare things left in life that are currently impossible! We can't hold ourselves back in life dwelling on the past, present, or what we haven't gotten yet out of our future.. Accept the past and present for what they are and always will be, so you can begin to change the only thing you physically can, your future! Come to terms with your past and use it for your advantage to excel towards the future! If there is something we are unhappy about in life then start making the changes, but we have to make them, no one will ever make them for us! Writing this letter has also allowed me to see why I was so angry and bitter with you all of the time and just my overall horrible attitude about life in general.. It has given me the resolve and closure that I have desperately needed for a long time so I can finally let anything and everything completely go and work towards a better future for myself, the right way this time! Writing this letter has given me the chance to grow very quickly! :)


      Nothing about this letter is trying to get you to change any of your feelings or opinions about me or "us." I am not trying to "gain" you back or change your mind about anything in life in general.. I am done being that selfish with you, I am done with the conflicts, I am done fighting with myself, I am done fighting with life, I am done with the "cruel intentions" and ill will.. My brain can't handle it anymore, I am giving up! I know your brain can't handle it either and that's why we need to reach towards outside sources for answer to help us sort through all of the chaos I created.. I hope this letter can help you find all of your own answers and peace of mind if you haven't already! Please use it to help draw all of your own conclusions and resolve, not just about "us," but everything in your own past, present, and future so you can stop placing blame and get the forgiveness/closure for yourself that you desperately need and deserve!      


     Let everything go so you can truly become the better person you want to be, succeed in your own life, and the future to come! Don't just keep pushing life and its challenges aside, and "forgetting" about them, that's what brought us here in the first place, and why I am having to write you this letter.. Haha Obviously something hasn't been working out for either one of us so let’s change that! You have no idea just how lucky you are that you get the chance to start a new you, and a new life, in a completely new city.. It makes it a lot more difficult for change without the new city part, trust me I know, try doing it while being stuck down here in this black hole! haha PLEASE take full advantage of ALL these new opportunities, new challenges, and DO NOT waste them!!! :) Please keep this letter as a lifelong reminder for yourself, I know I will. I honestly don't think I could ever stop writing you this short story but I bet by now you've probably had enough! Haha So I will wrap it up.. ;) 


     I knew this was going to be my last chance to get everything out in the open, the real truth about my side of what happened, now that I can understand just what that truth is, and my last chance at any real closure between us! The last chance to do something positive and truly selfless for you expecting nothing what so ever in return! Also my last chance to show you that I really do care, through my actions, not my words! Even though a letter is nothing but words.. haha They are honest words from the heart, and in writing this letter my actions/intentions are 100% pure! :) I can't say that I know many guys, if any, that have ever written a 20 page apology/thank you/closure letter to their first ex-girlfriend before, or any ex for that matter.. That's gotta count for something right? From the day we first met it has always been about me and my story, you have always been willing to listen to mine, and I'm extremely sorry that I never took the time to stop and listen to or truly appreciate yours! I don't think you could ever know how much I regret that and how guilty it makes me feel.. I hate to leave people's lives without leaving an overall positive impact vs a negative one! I know I haven't given you much since the day our lives have crossed paths, except maybe some emotional scars, and bad examples.. And that’s also why I want to leave you with this letter!     


     Thank you so much for all of the chances you have given me, all of your patience with me, everything you have done for me, everything you will continue to do for me, and everything you were to me! You are an amazing person and truly one in a million! One of a kind to say the least! Thank you for just being you! :) You need to start realizing for yourself, just how impacting of a person you are, in so many of the people's lives that you enter! You were able to break through 10 years of my walls and prove to me just how wrong I have been walking throughout life, about so many things for so long, in a very small amount of time! That should speak for itself right there.. haha No matter what has ever happened between us or what the future can unfold you will always be my first girlfriend, my first break up, the first person to finally break through ALL of the walls that I have put up.. Unfortunately you also had to be the first but last girl I ever physically abuse!!! You are the first one to bring real significant meaning and purpose into my life when I was beginning to think all hope was lost! The first person I have ever felt any kind of connection with like that before! You were the first person to ever show me what crying tears of joy feels like.. As sad as that sounds to admit to myself now being 23 years old! I know I'm pathetic and I really don't even want to admit this either but you would have been my first valentine ever.. and I kind of regret blowing that chance.. I'm lame I know! haha Most importantly though, you were the first person to show me what true love actually feels like, even throughout all of the insanity! I had only thought I knew what love felt like before or thought that I had already found it at one time! I can now see how immature it was to think that.. Because then you come along and show me just how completely wrong I have been for so long! That was nothing compared to this not even close.. You were my first lover and my first true love! You were some other firsts also that I would rather not mention on paper! hahaha Also each other's first kiss into this new year of 2014! Like it or not there is nothing we can do to change any of that, and aside from the physical abuse part, I honestly wouldn't have had it any other way! I will forever be extremely thankful that it ended up being you!!! :)  


      From the day we were both lucky enough for our lives to have crossed each other's paths, I had only ever been looking at what you were or weren't giving me, what I was or wasn't giving you, what you were saying or weren't saying, and what I was saying or wasn't saying.. but never up until this very page did I start to think about what it was exactly that we had gave and have given each other? Which if you ever find yourself wondering why our relationship was failing, that right there is the only reason, literally nothing else! We were both too busy finding our own self gains and losses, who said what, and who did what.. That's not what relationships, friendships, or family is about at all, not even close! They are about walking through life, ready to take on everything that life entails in its entirety, good and the bad, together as a whole, a one! They are about the impact you are leaving on the world and people in it, as a whole.. Only now can I finally understand that! The whole time we should have been looking at just what it was exactly we were doing for each other, good and bad, together as an "us," not individuals!            


     If either one of us ever walk away, not only from this relationship, but all of our challenges in life, thinking we didn't really gain very much from any of it, than we clearly aren't ready to do the changing and growing up that we think we are.. Through each other we gave the gifts of the most precious things we could have found out of our relationship in the first place.. We showed each other what true love actually feels like and gave each other the gift of new life and new beginnings!!! Nothing could ever outweigh or replace that! We gained everything we could have, out of any relationship in the first place, that some couples take years trying to find in each other.. and we found it almost instantly! The only thing we ever "lost" out of this was each other, physically, but never in spirt! We lost nothing and gained everything, through each other, together and apart, as a whole! :) No matter how badly we never wanted to let each other go, the only way that we could have possibly changed everything we needed to during our relationship, was to no longer be in that relationship.. Giving ourselves the chance to completely step away from the situation.. I am now finally able to understand that! I guess this is all just one, to the many parts about growing up! We are physically able to finally stop focusing so much on ourselves, and start focusing more on the world and people around us, and the impact we are leaving..  


     Anyways, we all have our own story.. But that's my story and I am sticking to it! haha I know that you will have your own story also and I hope that you will stick to it as well. Please always remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you.. You are perfect just the way you are! Yeah we all have our quirks and we all have a past, and there are some unfulfilled goals and dreams you would like to accomplish, but so does everybody else and all of that will come with time and age.. If you just stay focused on the future! But as far as being a human is concerned, the person you are as a whole, you are beautiful and you are perfect! Please don't ever forget that or ever let anyone treat you or tell you otherwise.. Stop telling yourself otherwise as well! Try not to be so hard on yourself, plenty of other people throughout your life have done, and will continue to do, enough of that for you already. You don't need to help them out! haha :) Gain the strength, confidence, and self-esteem that you have more than earned! Just remember that life is too short and already throws enough boundaries and restrictions at us, none of us need to keep putting up any more of our own.. It's too unpredictable to turn anything into an absolute so why do we all keep wasting our time trying? haha Keep your head up, stay strong, and never give up! If you ever want to succeed at anything you do in life you need to stop filling yourself with so much doubt before you even go to make the attempt.. You literally have no reasons to keep doubting yourself! Stop being so afraid of the world and closing yourself off from it, open yourself up to the world and people in it, to show them every amazing thing that you have to offer! Whether you succeed or fail, at least you even tried in the first place, and there will always be a lesson to be learned in the process, only making us grow! If someone has a problem with that than it's their own fault, but if we have a problem with it ourselves, than we need to change it! No one will ever do it for us..               


     The best answer I can come up with, to describe all of the self-doubt that you carry throughout your life, constantly tearing yourself down, holding yourself back, and can hopefully help you to fully understand as well is.. It's like a bull in a china shop! haha An animal or person, that doesn't know their own strength yet! Our brain is a muscle, how do muscles grow and get stronger, by stressing and relaxing.. And your brain has been taking on A LOT of weight for many years in your life now! You have been strengthening yourself and growing for a long time now, the only thing left is you realize that strength and growth within yourself for yourself! :) Stop using that strength against yourself and towards reckless behavior, harness it, use it to your advantage, and excel! You have come so far and are well on your way! You need/have to finally realize that for yourself if you want a shot at any real significant changes or achievements!           


     Even though it doesn't feel like it sometimes we are both still so young, we still have plenty of time for change, and our futures are still very bright and sunny! :) Life will continue to throw challenges at our face and there is nothing we can do it stop it! It's how we handle those challenges that help to shape us into who we are as people.. I unfortunately failed miserably with my challenge and the only way to keep from making it a part of who I am is to learn from my mistakes and do everything in my power to not make those mistakes ever again! Always remember how much you have learned about yourself, the strength you have gained, and how much you have bettered yourself and grown from this roller coaster ride! Just remember that I will always love you no matter what.. No amount of time, distance, or contact apart can ever change that! Always remember to FORGIVE, NEVER FORGET.. there is a huge difference! :) Always remember that no matter how big or small the situation at hand might seem, to always stay focused on the greater picture, and look past those blurred lines we all keep creating for ourselves! Remember these letters and the 3 things I told you to always remember just in case life starts to bring you down too much.. I honestly hope that it will NEVER happen to you again, but please DO NOT EVER feel afraid or hesitate to contact me if things EVER start to get super bad again and you feel like you have nowhere else to turn! I will be there for you no questions asked! Just had to throw that out there! Haha On a lighter note...




     I wish you the very best in anything and everything that you do and encounter in life! Take care of yourself, stay safe, meet new people, make new friends, make mistakes, take chances, find peace and happiness, find love, find yourself, succeed in life, fulfill desired goals and dreams, stay strong, never give up, embrace life in its entirety for what it is, the good and the bad, and just have fun!!! :) I can't ever thank you enough for stepping into my life and touching my heart! I am forever grateful for everything that you have done for me, *and everything that you will continue to do for me, without even having to be in my life anymore.. Only physically though, never in spirit!* I am so thankful for everything you were to me and everything you will always be to me! All of the things you have taught me and the overall positive impact you have left on my heart and in my life! Thank you so much for allowing us to get the resolve and closure that we both desperately needed!!! :) 


*No matter the experience, good or bad, we as people will always be with one another in spirit, if we have ever made any significant impact in each other’s lives! No matter how big and small or how positive and negative those impacts are! We will continue to use those experiences for ourselves to learn from and grow from for the rest of our lives! Whether we realize those people are helping influence our ideas, feelings, and decision making, the good and the bad, during the time they are taking place or not!*


     I know the old saying goes, "leave em guessing," but I'd rather leave you with this instead... While we were still together you had mentioned to me on several occasions how you wish that you could go back to the way things felt like, when we were young.. How life seemed to be filled with so much excitement! Always seemed to be filled with so many new surprises everywhere we turned! When everything that we did always seemed like an epic adventure! Haha Living so carefree and fearless, not giving much second thought to how, where, when, why, or what we were doing.. We were just doing it! We weren't really all that worried about too much of anything back then, when we were young, why should we be too worried about anything now, when we are apparently supposed to be growing up and becoming even stronger individuals? Haha Yeah as kids that behavior might be considered as "self-absorbed," but really we just hadn't gotten the chance to learn any different yet, it wasn't our faults.. Haha Now that we are becoming adults we have the ability to just let ourselves go, return to that carefree, when we were young feeling, and are able to be more self aware of our actions, without having to feel "self-absorbed" about whatever we are doing, at the same time.. That's the best of both worlds if you ask me! :)      


     If you truly do want to go back to that when we were young feeling, then everything that I just said right there is how you do it!!! :) Stop being so afraid of life! Stop trying to predict something that is unpredictable, be patient, and just let life happen! Release your inhibitions, stop worrying about things that don't matter or are completely out of our control, stop being afraid of the past, present, future, and "what ifs," and fully let yourself go into the moment! Try to have zero control over the situation about the parts that are physically out of your hands! Embrace life for what it is and what you are feeling during that moment, both good and bad, and just go with it!!! Life is still full of so many new surprises and so much excitement! Who knows what the future could possibly unfold in your life next!? If you honestly want to go back to what it felt like when you were young, it's simple, just always remember everything I am about to tell you.. You don't need to worry about a thing baby girl, everything is going to be just fine! Life is still that same epic adventure that it was when we were young.. Only now we are older, with even less restrictions, and so many more opportunities for discovery! Remember, life is ALWAYS going to be that same epic adventure as when we were young, but only if WE let it! So get out and start exploring life again!!! :)


Goodbye my Lily-B and thank you for listening to my story one last time! Here is to letting go, new beginnings, and new adventures!!! :)


Love, care, and miss you always!

      Brady Robert Holland


"So there we have it.. The journey leading up to Our Trilogy: Time, The Life of our Idea, and many more new adventures to come! Fulfilling all of my promises to that indescribably rare, amazingly beautiful young woman, myself, and to you our readers! Bringing unity within our communities once again and guiding humans back towards humanity as a whole species in our entirety! I personally never deal in absolutes, but forever and always to me, still means forever and always.. Or I will die trying! Keep in mind I am not necessarily A.M.E nor is she Mille (Though it could be very easily taken as such which then wouldn't be false either), but there are many pieces of us scattered within The Life of our Idea and I dedicate this entire trilogy to her and my future to come, in that aspect! My indescribable spark in which I will remain forever in debt!" :)