“I will soothe you and heal you.
I will bring you roses. I too have been covered with thorns.”
This quote soothed me yesterday. I have felt covered in thorns. Are we all standing on the edge of our sanity? Edge of the known world? I see a dark blanket hovering over the earth.We have to wrap ourselves in it, to see the stars once again. For me, it is my own shadow side, all the bits and pieces that did not succumb to the love I offered.
Oh, we have been raised to be polite, to bite our tongues, to hold anger in check, to stuff all the unpleasantness. We grew from there into realizing that we had to excavate all this old rubble in our being. We prayed, sobbed, howled, wrote, danced and worked to clear and release these stuck emotions. Many of us came to feel the freedom of being an empty vessel, only to have another round of debris float up to be cleared. We learned that we had to let go of judgment and embrace all aspects of ourselves. We invited in our inner wounded child, held her/his hand and offered comfort. We saw how the lovelight kept unearthing more rubble as the love penetrated deeper into our core.
Now, oh, now, we are hitting bedrock. It is a jarring process as the light plunges into the solid rock of our being, blasting its way free. What is exposed is pretty slimy, smelly and downright unpleasant. I do not love it. I am looking at my sarcastic nature, my pettiness, my cutting sword nature……the good, the bad and the ugly…….with the good taken out. I am no longer interested in turning any of it into rainbows and sunlight. I see the blue black nature of it and know that this is not a redecorating project. No pink bows to tie it all up. No, this is the shadowland where my murderous self resides.
The question for me now seems to be, can I allow all of myself expression? There are some aspects, I turn from. I am highly uncomfortable with. Yet, my sense is that I need to allow it freedom of speech, just as I do for my “light” side. Do I have to love it all? No. Indeed, I do not. But can I be with it? Can I allow the experience of its flame, to move through me?
It has been like setting out with Columbus on the Santa Maria……believing that the world was flat and at any moment, we might sail off that edge. Holy Hannah, hang on! Buckets of courage called for. This is the rack of the Inquisition come again. We are being stretched to our limit, and then beyond.
I witnessed myself express rage from years ago, an interaction suddenly burst from its present day moorings into cataclysmic flames. The dear other, who triggered this flame, quickly distancing himself and throwing up a wall of protection. I watched the Red Cross nurse aspect of me, come in to see to the wounded. I refused all help, sent her packing with her bandages and good will. Shame and guilt showed up only to be turned back with a withering look. I sat there quaking, as this rage claimed a seat within. She sat and made herself comfortable, chuckling abit at claiming center stage.
My personality self is no longer in charge. My soul is shaking me like a rag doll. I have no control over this process as I have long since, surrendered to my I AM presence’s will. I am trusting this process. Allowing my world to dismantle if that is what it takes. This dark side will no longer be hushed. All the new age platitudes fall away. The surface kindness and love gives way as we go plumbing the depths for the gold of authenticity. I know that freedom is under all this blackness. I know that by owning my truth, accepting the black, I am gifted with more colors with which to create. A painting with no shadows drawn in, is flat. The black gives depth and richness. I dip my brush in the ash.
At present, I am standing in a coal mine, black dust, huge rocks, and iridescent shards everywhere. I have my heartlight turned on high, to light the way through this rubble. It is not the journey I imagined at this stage of the game. I know only to keep moving, one foot in front of another. No Indiana Jones at my side, to present stunning solutions…..I plod on feeling this underground space is the perfect place for me, away from any others who might be harmed by the creature I AM.
I sense a softening as I am exposed to the light of day. I had gone to the store with my son to outfit him with food staples for his trip. As we were checking out, I complimented the woman at the register on her pearl earrings. She asked, “Do you want them?” “Yes,” was my instant reply, surprising myself. ”Will you wear them?” she asked. “Yes, I will,”my reply. ”Then I would like you to have them.” She removed them from her ears and handed them to me. I thanked her and walked out with our groceries. I witnessed myself desiring to go back in and give her the flower bouquet I had just bought. Then I laughed. I had stated that morning that I was open to receive…….and here it was being given. Could I receive without needing to give back? Could I accept the gift with gratitude, knowing that was enough? Yes and I watched an old pattern dissolve. She gave. I received. A loop completed.
From the coal mine, a shining pearl. Dark and light..all me…we walk. Not quite hand in hand, but alongside one another, eyes straight ahead.