I have been sick for almost a week. Today is the first day that I am feeling good. I feel a million times better than I have in a week, but I still only feel about 60% healthy. I missed a lot of work and I have to be okay with that. I can't change it now, and I hope to be out of this job before the middle of the year anyhow. I just have to be patient.
I was supposed to go to the doctor yesterday. I did not. I don't like doctors and they probably would have just given me a prescription for anti-biotics that I'm not sure if I would have been able to take, due to my beliefs. I am glad that I didn't go.As I thought, this wasn't a "physical" illness at all. It was a metaphysical one.
I would imagine it all started with my last meeting with my boss. One of the last questions she asked me was if I liked what I was doing. Of course, the first thing that popped into my head was "NOO!!!!". I wasn't brave enough to say that, though. I said yes, and immediately looked at the floor.
I have always had problems with my throat. I had a cyst when I was in high school that I had to have surgery to get it removed. For as long as I can remember, I would get terrible sore throats 2 - 3 times a year. Always, I'd go to the doctor. They'd tell me "that's about the worst sore throat I've seen in a while." Always, the strep and mono tests would come back negative. I'd be given a prescription for anti-biotics and be on my way. Never was it, what could be causing this. Why are you getting these sore throats so frequently. Now I know, of course, that I have problems expressing myself and speaking my truth.
I did not go to the doctor yesterday, because something was keeping me home. That something, was that I needed to get into an argument with my husband. I don't even know how it started now, but he said something that really rocked me to my core. Something along the lines of, "You know what your problem is? You're afraid to feel. You get scared and then you stop feeling."
He was right. I hated to admit it to him, but there was a point when I just couldn't ignore the truth anymore. I was laying in bed, journaling when it finally came to me. I had to set my pride aside, and crying my eyes out, I tiptoed through the house into the other bedroom where Josh was sleeping. He opened his eyes, and the only thing I could say to him was "I need you."
I cried. A lot. The kind of crying where you're gasping and gasping for breath. The kind of cry that feels so good when you've held it all in for so long, consciously or not.
I told him he was right. I feel things, and then they scare me because it's not like anything I've ever felt before. I've always been so certain of what I wanted, of what I should do. It occurred to me that I relied a lot on my intuition before I even realized I was doing so. If I wasn't certain, there was an option that just "felt right." I don't have that feeling now. My future is wide open, a blank page just waiting for me to color it up.
There are so many options that are waiting for me... on the other side of fear. I can sense that I'm not quite ready for that yet. I need to stay where I am for just a little while longer. I need to cultivate my trust with the Universe. Every day. Not when I feel like it. Not when I "have the time." I need to make the time. My top priority needs to be my spiritual health, and then everything else will fall into place.
After my little "breakdown" I still hadn't released all I had to. I meditated on fear a little bit. "The only thing to fear is fear itself." Is the first thing that popped into my head. Then I thought, what is fear? Fear is nothing external. Fear is only what I make it. Fear is fake. An illusion. It's not real!
I carried on with my day. I still wasn't finished.
I took a bath just before bed - epsom salts, tea tree oil and lavender oil. and HOT HOT HOT water. I have never experienced anything like I did in that bath.
I sat. I sat. I didn't want to sink into the water. Why? I asked myself. Are you scared? I told that voice to shove it and slowly scooted so that the majority of my stomach was in the water. That's not enough, something told me. I scooted more. Are you happy yet? Nope. Fine. I rearranged my bath pillow and scooted down so that my head & legs were the only things out of the water.
I soon found out that my navel, throat, heart & sacral chakras were all out of balance. My navel chakra was the worst. As soon as I had gotten comfortable, it was like my stomach had become a vacuum cleaner. I mean, it was sucking in energy like it had never tasted it before. It was intense. I was scared. This is what I needed to work through. I realized that everything I was afraid of was being released now. Breathe in. Breathe out. In and out. Deep breaths, and the sucking feeling wasn't getting any better. I called on my Reiki guides, placed my hands on my stomach. I could "feel" it pulsing.
After a few minutes, that feeling toned down a little. I could still feel that it was taking in energy, but it wasn't gasping for it like it had been previously. I moved my awareness to my heart chakra, there wasn't much sensation there, but I could tell it had been working overtime lately. Next, my throat. This one was blocked. It wasn't as bad as the navel, but it was still needed some work.
I got out of the bath after about 45 minutes. That was the longest bath I think I had ever taken. I was whooped. I lay down in bed, got my chakra crystals out and laid them over my body and relaxed. When I laid the stone on my navel, I could see my stomach pulsing at the stone. It took a while, but I finally felt like I was back to center.
I'm still not ready to tackle all my fears, but I am definitely more comfortable recognizing them. I'll leave you with the following picture which I saw when I logged onto Facebook. Normally, I wouldn't think much of it, but I made a conscious effort that day to spend less time on Facebook. And when I did log on, I saw exactly what I needed to see.