Having worked in both the non-profit and government sectors most of my lifetime, I have concluded one thing for certain: Government programs are seldom desgined to actually correct the problems they were created to resolve.

Of course they sometimes do resolve the problems, albeit inefficiently. But primarily a program's purpose from the perspective of government bureaucrats is to sustain the need for the government itself and by consequence, the bureaucracy whose very existence depends upon those programs' continuing need for funds. There are countless example I could point to and at one time (before the advent of Google) I would do so again right now. However, I see no point or even a learning advantage to be gained from such an futile exercise for a system which is destined for the dust heap.

Nonetheless, here is one such example that plopped right into my lap the other day and so I thought I'd share it with you. It seems that our tax dollars were used to fund a grant for an experiment at Iowa State University whose results clearly demonstrates that there is hardly any further need, nor continued justification for the use of pesticides and herbicides. So what did our illustrious Department of Agriculture and USDA do with this ground-breaking discovery?  They said: Meh.

DEEPLY AWAKE – HOME

I write this next part with a shakiness within. With uncanny reverence and customary humor. I wrote on and on and on as it was happening, and review my field notes rarely. I have felt an invitation to discuss it. It is a mystical event, one I find sacred. Ridiculous. Holy. Only the insanely blessed can make fun of themselves to this degree.

I had, since waking up in January, felt as if there was a wall of light constructed past May 25, 2012. It seemed there was an impenetrable barrier, one which did not yield to the darkest threats, the meanest epithets, the most pitiful begging. It was just there. A lighted koan. A big question mark.

I did not know what my life would look like on May 26. In fact, I lived from January to May not really believing there would be anything at all that I would recognize on the 26th. I sensed a surprise.

By the 23rd of May, I was in a panic. It is one thing to consider that it might all be over on a certain date in the future. We all live with our expiration dates stamped on everything we produce, while living in the world of days and nights, good and bad, up and down. It is quite another to be two days away from some made up deadline, unconvinced I will be, once the calendar page flips and the day arrives.

I went to a friend who works as a guide and psychic. I go to her when my mechanical life is so intensely messed up that I come to the standstill of paralysis. She lifted me out of my fear. She told me I was perhaps pushing myself too hard. She gave me solace, encouragement, and the fear found surcease. I woke up on the 25th unafraid and expectant.