If I had to pick a theme of my introspection lately it's pretty much been "How am I not myself?" and that's what I'm going to write about today. I've never fit in much. I've typically been shy, quiet and introverted although that's changed A LOT over the past few years. It's changed the most since I've been able to connect with other like-minded people.
Today, in a meeting at work someone made a comment and said that she thought I would be pretty good at sucking up. At the time, I sort of smiled and shrugged it off while inside of me I wasn't quite sure how to feel. Should I feel offended? Is it a bad thing that people look at me like that? Do a majority of my peers see me that way? I suppose, though, I already have the answer to the last question.
I worked at a ice cream shop in high school (my favorite job hands down. and not just because of endless ice cream. I wish I could be a soda jerk forever...) Anyway, one my coworkers was a cute boy who ended up telling me one day that I tried too hard. Not the same comment, but similar. And you know what, he was right. I did try too hard. I didn't feel like I fit in and therefore I couldn't accept my true nature. I didn't want to be the weird girl so I made every effort possible to try and fit in with the cool crowd. I knew I was different. I thought that it was wrong so I shunned that part of me.
I remember going to the store when I was little and just wondering why everything cost money. I didn't get it! Why couldn't everyone just take what they needed and leave the extra for others? Yes, I was a socialist in my preschool years. Of course that was all buried once I got to school and got "programmed". (IT DIDN'T WORK! I AM AWAKE!)
