DEEPLY AWAKE – PROBABLY
Halloween was really fun this year, probably the best yet. We ate cheese sandwiches and bean soup, watched X-Men First Class, and then Sam got dressed up, painted his face, and off we went, into the perfect autumn night, the one I have thought of from time to time, I imagine. The quiet streets, the gentle passersby, then kind son who would just occasionally reach out and walk with his arm around me, just for a while, and it felt so good to know he finally, sometimes, feels safe enough to express tenderness. And then I would turn and hug him, making sure my chest, right where my heart sits, that it laid flat against him, so that he could feel how my heart was spinning with gratitude, and the surprisingly familiar clear knowing of what peace is.
And then, the morning sort of jagged, rough, with teeth marks bumping up the surface of that first moment when you come up from a long swim in dark, inky, undecipherable sleep. That odd feeling where the floor is just a little tilty, though all appears level. Just not right, just not right.
And then the thoughts. Money. Bills. Car battery. New job offer. My future. My rent. My dad. My sister. The cats need food they will eat. I need to clean my house. Where are Sam's jeans? Why can't I get my shit together? Yeah, yodeling from high on the mountain one day, picking crap off your feet from a dirty kitchen floor the next. Some helper you are. Some mystic you are. Just a gullible person who can't make friends. Why wasn't mom more, um, oh, I don't even need to go there. We need to get going. We're going to be late. Jesus, none of Sam's clothes fit him anymore. I can't afford clothes. Christ. Bills. Payday. Let's GO!
And then the walk.