For two days I have been in the grips of judgement. At the time, it didn't present easily or loudly. In other words, it was hard for me to know that's what I was doing to myself and those around me.
I know that there is a lot of talk about how ego derails spiritual growth, and I suppose in its most basic form, what I've been experiencing is simply a temper tantrum of Ego. But I think there is something else at work.
The main question, or koan, is this: Can I be truly spiritual if there are situations or people in my awareness that I simply do not like? How do I rectify not liking something with loving all?
Tricky.
But then I think about someone I've known whom I love but don't like from time to time. Pick a person. My kid, my boss, on and on it goes. To say that others do not effect me is a lie. They do. How others act and speak and the choices they make, these effect me.
I really wish it didn't feel bad when I witness someone being willfully mean, but it does. It fills me with a peculiar sense of outrage, of pity and of resentment. I hate it.
It really just saddens and freaks me out when I have to work with someone who can't give eye contact, won't talk, ignores the people they are there to serve, and refuses to help others.
What about that behavior is attractive?
And what is there to like about those actions?
And how am I to reconcile my expectations, my behavior with anothers'?
This is the knot I have been trying to untie the last two days.
Can I love myself when I feel no love toward another?
Is it ok to have an opinion about someone else's behavior? Is it ok to not like anothers' behavior?
And I don't have the answer to that. I simply don't. It was big enough to even figure out what was making me feel so awful.
